It’s been a long time since I published a blog post. Those of you who follow me on Instagram will know 2024 was a successful year of campaigning offline, speaking at the #DumpTheScales march in London, being a committee and panel member at ED/MD 2024, and giving evidence to the All-Party Parliamentary Group on Eating Disorders. Yet I was pretty silent online.
In this post, I want to be honest about why…
In December 2023, I posted about being in Australia for my first family Christmas in many years. Back then, I was hopeful for the festive season. Unfortunately, it didn’t go as smoothly as hoped. We were all under a lot of stress and sadly, stress can bring out the best, and the worst, in people. I found myself triggered by one relative’s behaviour in particular over the festive period, and this had a significant impact on me for most of 2024. I’m back in Australia as I write, though this time the relative isn’t here, and it seems a good time to reflect on the ups and downs I experienced last year.
The truth is, for most of the first half of the year, I was depressed and stuck in negative patterns. I didn’t want to face up to the feelings that Christmas brought up. They had been too deeply buried, and for too long. I knew that allowing myself to feel, and to process, would mean re-evaluating much of my life, and my deepest connections. So instead, I avoided. I scrolled endlessly, ate way beyond fullness, binge-watched TV, anything to keep myself in a numb state where I didn’t have to face up to reality.
Finally, I reached the point where the anger refused to be pushed down anymore. I felt wretched. I wrote angry, bitter poems. I lay awake late into the night filled with fury. Until one morning, I decided enough was enough. I wrote a letter to the relative in question explaining the hurt caused by their behaviour. I acknowledged my part in the toxic relationship by enabling that behaviour. I went minimal contact.
And with that letter, the emotions, the anger, the depression, started to dissipate. Slowly but surely, I began to feel more like myself. My eating patterns improved, I became more able to feel and express emotion, and the depression started to lift. The relative’s power over me is gradually lessening. I am starting to realize that I have agency, and I need to stop letting others take it from me.
As I write this post, there are so many emotions. There’s sadness. Since the letter, there has been no meaningful change in the relative’s behaviour. At this point, I don’t think we will ever be able to have a full and meaningful relationship, and that makes me sad. I feel grief, maybe for the loss of the person, or more for the relationship we should have had, loving, encouraging, accepting. There is definitely still some anger. There’s relief that I no longer have to fear their opinions on every life choice I make. And there’s gratitude for the positive, supportive, healthy relationships in my life.
So as the rest of my family and I navigated this Christmas, I knew that 2025 had to be different to 2024. While I am starting to let go of more old toxic patterns, I am still struggling with low self-worth. On an abstract level, I understand that I didn’t deserve the way I was treated over the years. But the impact is still there, in my head. That voice inside has got louder again over the last year, the one that tells me I’m not good enough, not worthy of happiness, will never be a success, that the way I look means I am less worthy. And I think it’s got louder because I’ve been listening to it. I’ve listened and let it stop me from trying to live the life I want.
So in 2025, I plan to listen to it less and start doing. If I fail, I fail, but at least it won’t be because I’ve been paralysed by feeling like a failure before I even start. Last year, I released myself from a relationship which caused hurt and harm. This year, it’s time to release myself from the last of the hurt and harm caused.
With warm wishes for a healthy and happy 2025,
Sharon
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