Those of you who follow me on Instagram will know I’m in Australia at the moment. I’m here staying with relatives. Later this week, my parents will be joining us, and I will be celebrating my first family Christmas since I began my recovery journey.
Christmas isn’t actually the reason I’m here. I travelled all this way to support my family. Having recently resigned from my job, and saved enough to afford a short break from work, I flew half-way around the world to be there for someone going through a tough time. Despite the fact that the resignation, plus the prospect of being unemployed and a 25 hour flight as a fat person, sent my anxiety into overdrive. And the last 24 hours have been a bit wobbly for us all, so I’m not sure how much my presence is helping right now…
But let’s get back to the reason for this blog post: the minefield of family get-togethers, especially those that revolve around food. In my family, Christmas is the biggest. And the scariest. Which is why I’ve avoided it for years.
I’ve spent the last few Christmases alone. Through choice. I’ve had invitations from wonderful kind, caring friends who were aware of my recovery journey. I know I could have seen family for Christmas if I had wanted to. But Christmas was too scary, too much of a risk to my recovery, and so I created my own little tradition of video calls, followed by a movie marathon and Christmas dinner. Each year, I worked on feeling a little more at peace with the Christmas foods that aren’t widely available all year round. I enjoyed the me time the season brought, and most importantly, I felt safe.
Yet, what’s the point of recovery if not to start living again? To be free of the constraints that an eating disorder imposes? If I’m imposing new rules due to fear of relapse, am I really in full recovery? So this year, I’m giving myself the ultimate test: a family Christmas.
So how’s it going so far? Well, there have been plenty of positives: Christmas shopping together for the first time in years; talking with my relatives in real life instead of through a screen; playing with the family dog, a sweet-natured rough collie who’s keeping me company as I write. Plus, of course, the long days and sunny summer weather instead of the dark evenings and cold I’d have back home in the UK.
But there are things I’ve found challenging: one person’s celebration of their weight loss due to stress; comments about bodies, some unkind, from a child; rules around snack foods; food being labelled as healthy/unhealthy; mealtimes and routines different from my own; not having a full length mirror (I body check when stressed); and a final one I hadn’t predicted: a family member telling a child off, which I found really upsetting (something to unpack at a later date, I think).
Yesterday, for a variety of reasons, we all had a difficult day, which culminated in the strongest binge urges I have had in a very long time. This morning, I woke up angry and upset. But here’s where things differed from before, when I was in the grip of my eating disorder: instead of hiding myself away and burying my feelings with food, I had a good cry, and I told my relative how I felt and why. Then I had a swim and a long shower, and now I feel a little more like myself again.
I know there will be more challenges to come over the next couple of weeks. But you know what? I think I’ll be OK. I’ve coped with a lot over the last few months, and I’ve coped without using eating disorder behaviours. This is my plan for getting through the difficult times:
Allow myself to feel any emotions that rise to the surface;
Keep surfing those urges;
Challenge those negative body thoughts;
Distract myself when I need to;
Maintain my boundaries;
Be honest with myself and others;
Use my support network;
And always, always eat breakfast!
Are there any tips I’ve missed? Let me know in he comments.
Whatever you’re doing over the holidays, I wish you health, happiness, and the freedom to be yourself!