Blue skies

I’m slowly learning to see blue skies

When I was taught to see the grey

The thunderclouds of disappointment

The sharp lightning strikes of shame

I’m starting to see the marvel of rainbows

Fractured light through drops of rain

The hidden beauty found when sorrow

Gives way to hope as life begins again

I will never know if you’re proud of me

If I’m good enough, if I’ve done well

So I’m teaching myself to see blue skies

To see light where once darkness fell

No, life isn’t all rainbows and blue skies

But nor it is all darkness, blame and pain

I get to choose where I put my focus

I choose sunshine over rain

Photo by Egor Kamelev on Pexels.com

Freedom

So much time wasted, lost

To the voice in my head

That told me I was unworthy

Of joy, love, freedom to be

Myself. Not that I knew who that was,

Too busy trying to bend, to fit

Into someone else’s mould.

Not that it helped

Because the mould kept changing.

I could never be enough.

Words can’t begin to explain

The relief, the realisation:

I don’t have to fit in a mould,

I can be who I want.

Do I know who that is?

Not quite yet, but I’m finding out,

Giving myself space

To feel that freedom to be

What I denied myself for so long:

Happy, content, unapologetic

In this body that hurts,

That doesn’t fit this world of ours.

We only get one body, one life.

Why waste time fighting myself?

It’s time I found the freedom to be

Myself.

Stolen Years

Allowing myself to feel,

To cry,

To realise just how much you stole from me.

Peace, inner calm,

The strength to be myself.

The courage to admit just how terrified I was.

Sapping my self-esteem

Till I felt worthless, unworthy of any joy.

The feeling of dread

That they would all realise I was a fraud,

Not knowing what I was doing.

Seeming calm but completely out of control,

Wanting it to end,

But not knowing how.

Eating down the sadness,

Throwing up the fear,

Not knowing why

But knowing it was wrong.

Knowing they’d be horrified

If they ever knew.

Trapped in the cycle

Year after year.

So many years stolen.

So few remain.

Time to make them count.

Silence

I thought I’d learnt to trust you
That love would set me free
But how could that be possible
When I was hiding an ED?

Concealing frequent binges
Fat, disgusting, greedy me
How could anybody love this?
A woman hiding an ED

My dirty little secret
I couldn’t let anyone see
The fat pig living inside me
So I kept hiding my ED

I said I’d leant to trust you
I was lying to you and me
Because I couldn’t really trust you
If I was hiding an ED

Was it you I never trusted?
Or was the lack of trust in me
Too scared of being vulnerable
To stop hiding my ED

Our relationship never stood a chance
How could you truly ever know me
When I hid all that self loathing
With my binge stashes and ED

No, you never really knew me
And there’s no-one to blame but me
I couldn’t bring myself to trust you
Enough to tell you about my ED

So now I’m speaking loud and proud
About you, my ED and me
In the hope that someone listening
Trusts someone enough to disclose their ED

If you’re worried about your relationship with food, don’t suffer in silence. Please tell someone close and your GP.

Blame

“It’s your fault!”
Words spat at me,
Twisted mouth,
Finger pointing:
“It’s all your fault!”

What’s my fault?
Daring to exist?
Being born?
Being conceived?
What is my fault?

What’s my fault?
That you go out?
Drink too much?
Throw things at us?
Is that my fault?

What’s my fault?
Being a kid
In a life
I didn’t choose?
That’s not my fault.

It’s yours.