Tag: fat is not a feeling

Freedom

So much time wasted, lost

To the voice in my head

That told me I was unworthy

Of joy, love, freedom to be

Myself. Not that I knew who that was,

Too busy trying to bend, to fit

Into someone else’s mould.

Not that it helped

Because the mould kept changing.

I could never be enough.

Words can’t begin to explain

The relief, the realisation:

I don’t have to fit in a mould,

I can be who I want.

Do I know who that is?

Not quite yet, but I’m finding out,

Giving myself space

To feel that freedom to be

What I denied myself for so long:

Happy, content, unapologetic

In this body that hurts,

That doesn’t fit this world of ours.

We only get one body, one life.

Why waste time fighting myself?

It’s time I found the freedom to be

Myself.

Feeling fat

What feeling “fat” meant for me when I had an eating disorder:

1/ I felt physically bloated because:

How can such a short word be so loaded?
Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Pexels.com
  • I’d binged
  • I hadn’t eaten
  • I’d drunk too much water to stop hunger pangs
  • I hadn’t drunk anything
  • I’d deliberately eaten something that triggered my IBS

2/ I was feeling ashamed, guilty and hating myself because I’d binged, purged or both, and was taking it out on my body.

3/ I was struggling to deal with difficult emotions completely unrelated to my eating disorder, such as struggling with criticism because of my perfectionism. Or sadness, or anger, or fear, or disappointment, or lonliness, or any other strong feeling.

So many people talk about feeling “fat”. But “fat” isn’t a feeling. And our bodies don’t change massively from hour to hour. So if you’re looking in the mirror, hating your body, and feeling “fat”, ask yourself what’s really going on.

Is it fullness or bloating, or are you blaming your body for something else?Because I can pretty much guarantee it’s not your body’s fault, and if it’s not, then changing your body won’t fix it.

And as for feeling “fat”, but not being fat, and not understanding why that’s an issue?

If fat wasn’t seen as a bad thing, you wouldn’t be feeling “fat” would you? If fat wasn’t seen as morally inferior, something to be feared, the worst thing you could possibly imagine, you wouldn’t be feeling “fat” at all.

And there you have it: fatphobia in action.