I’ve been absent from social media for a little while. This post explains why.
Basically, my real, offline, life has has been taking all I have to give lately.
Today has been a pretty good day. I’ve started a week of annual leave, met up with a friend, and accomplished a couple of tasks I haven’t felt up to recently. I have newly prescribed painkillers in the cupboard for high pain days and most importantly, time to rest.
But I promised myself that I would always be honest on this blog, so here’s what I wrote at 2 am this morning in an attempt to quieten the thoughts in my head and sleep…
I’m tired.
Tired of trying to fix things in a system that’s broken beyond repair.
Tired of people asking for my help and having nothing to offer but a sympathetic ear.
Tired of people being failed, written off, thrown away because they don’t fit into a neat little box.
Tired of forcing myself not to care as a self-preservation mechanism.
Tired of sleepless nights because I do care. A lot.
Tired of being expected to go that extra mile by people who would never do the same for me.
Tired of constantly enforcing boundaries because they’re not respected.
Tired of being in pain.
Tired of working slouched on the sofa because sitting upright hurts too much.
Tired of not being able to take sick leave to rest and recover because if I do, I’ll be put on report.
Tired of being stuck at home, still in lockdown even though it’s over.
Tired of waiting, for appointments, treatments, diagnoses, help that never comes.
Tired of being too tired to cook the dinner I actually want to eat.
Tired that exercising for my mental health makes me hurt more.
Tired of being tired.
Tired of having no energy for the things that bring me joy: creating, social media, campaigning, seeing friends.
Let’s face it: I’m way beyond tired. I’m exhausted. I’m burnt out.